information connections notes
4:13 PM | Tuesday, January 11, 2005
to the point its not healthy anymore..

I'm guilty of this. I always have. I've known for a very long time now that I enjoy loving and being loved. For me, it's the best feeling in the world! I've grown to love knowing that each day, someone cares for me and that feeling is mutual. But it's not that it's cracked up to be. I think I'm loving him to much. I believe this was triggered when I learned that I am really leaving for Canada come March'06. I don't think I can handle this situation without his assurance that we'll hold onto everything we can. He doesn't want us to expect anything to save ourselves from the agonoy that is to come. Is it right to assume the worst and hope for the best, when I want to do my best to make it happen? I just don't think I can sit around and wait for come what may. I know I'll be gone for a long time (maybe 4 years) But I promised myself that I'm old enough to make my own decisions and I want to come home. I am just doing this to please my parents so they can't say anything against me. I'm just following my Mom's will. It sucks, I know. But I'm in no postition to back out.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Crying myself to sleep has been crossed out seeing it's not as effective as I thought it would be. Maybe I should just stop thinking altogether. That would numb the pain.

It's hard to hold onto something when there's nothing to hold onto.

He doesn't want any of us to get hurt.. and I understand that completely. I know he loves me. But I'm just not sure if it's enough to wait the 4 years. I'm going to visit. I'm going to earn money and make sure I visit. But then, who knows what will happen? I just don't think I'd want to spend the rest of my days here drifting apart so we'll have an easier time. I just don't think and feel it's right.

I just needed to let this out...

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