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11:51 PM | Saturday, January 20, 2007
i used to love mirrors

I don't understand this "need" to be thin.

Years ago, women with curves were considered real. If I lived in those days, I would probably have a statue of myself with all my curves hanging out and no one would give a shit if I have one curve larger than the others.

What I do understand if the hate and disgust I feel when I look into my new full length body mirror. When I raise my arms, my skin sort of stretches making my body seem a bit slimmer. Also, I've gotten used to walking around while holding my stomach in, to make myself seem less unflattering.

People used to say I was fat years ago. I never really saw myself as fat back then since I was only in high school and being fat wasn't a big issue back then. Now, when I pull out the old pictures, people react and repeatedly insist how thin I was back then. And here I thought I was fat to them before. I must be a whale of a person by now.

People who know me and actually read this certain post may be thinking that I'm pitying myself and that I may be "fishing" for comments. This is all real people. My insecurity decided to visit me today, making sure I stayed in my room because gosh no, we wouldn't want to be seen in public with my unflattering figure, AND avoid putting on my clothes trying to see which ones still fit.

I don't want to turn into one of those pill-digesting addicts who actually want my ribs to pop out, but I can't deny that that thought has crossed my mind.

Sure, exercise, eat right, drink water.. it's easier said than done. With my schedule and budget I can't afford to take better care of myself. Eat less, walk more, live healthy.. yes I'd love to.. I'm trying.

My optimistic self says that I can do this and I can achieve anything.

My pessimistic self says dream on.

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